Will it ever be enough?

Let me start with a disclaimer: I am struggling with some depression today so I know that many of these thoughts are driven my emotions. The goal is going to be to get to truth, but let's make a journey of it - shall we?

I am not a perfect person. I am not a perfect husband, or a perfect father. I know that I'm not perfect and yet I can't help but hold myself to this standard of perfection. (Yes, this is ironic since even God remembers what we are made of [Ps 103:14] and I think He has more grace for me than I do often.)

So, I have struggled to not use past experiences to drive my behavior. That is, I say, "I want to be present and engaged with my kids and more than I felt like my own father was growing up" and I end up less engaged. It's the idea that focusing on not doing something negative can actually drive you to do the very thing you don't want to do because you spend so much energy thinking about it even though you think it should help you NOT do it. #BrokenMinds

My first broken thought today was, Will it ever be enough to them? I was NOT having a good morning with my family. I was frustrated, irritable, and struggling to hold on to my sanity. Through the process of some mistakes and some responses, I felt like no one could see the progress being made. I believe what I said was, "I feel like I am being held to perfection and until I reach the perfect state as a father or husband, I'm going to be treated as though nothing has changed at all."

If any of you just shook your heads at me, it's OK. I feel judged, but you judged rightly.

So, then as I processed and realized that since I was falling back on old behaviors and responses, they have no other choice but to respond to me how they have. Any progress I've made over recent weeks and months doesn't change their reactions when I fall back into previous behaviors and responses myself. So as I work to be calm and I ask God to change my heart, but I fall back into raising my voice and responding emotionally, why would they respond differently. That's when it hit me!

No, not a wall. Although I was sorely tempted today. No, what hit me was that it wasn't them, it was me. When I asked myself, "Will it ever be enough?" it was me who was judging me. Not my family. Will I ever feel like I've changed enough to not fall back on old habits and responses in stressful times? Will I ever accept that I have and can change or will I always treat myself as the same failure that I've always thought of myself as?

Then it double hit me. That wasn't right either. No, I'm questioning God. Will I ever be enough? Will God have the capacity to change me or are my habits, my hurts, and the things I get hung up on so deep and long-term that even He can't change me?

So, if that question is the lie that I ask myself when depression is knocking on my door, then what is my response?

Gal 2:20 - "...and the life that I now live, in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me."

Romans 12:1 - "...but be transformed (metamorphosed) by the renewing of your mind (something God does)..."

Romans 5:8 - "But God demonstrates His own love toward Nate, in that while Nate was still a sinning, depressed, and messed up person, Christ died for him." (Nate's American Standard Version)

Lastly, Eph 4:20-24 - which tells us to put off our old selves and to be renewed in our minds and put on the new self which is created after the likeness of God.

Scripture is clear that I am loved, that I can be changed, and that while I have a job to do; God is the one who ultimately changes me.

So, the daily grind continues. The prayer for God to change my heart doesn't stop when I fall into old patterns. When I regret many of my actions and words on the day. Because Christ died for the sins of this day just like He died for every other sin I have ever and will ever commit against Him.

So, it really isn't God I'm questioning, is it? I mean, I know the truth about God and His Word tells me the truth about my standing in Him. So, what gives. Well, I think I was right the 2nd time. It isn't my family and it isn't God. My family wants to see me changed and see me be better and they will encourage me and see me through it as best as they know how. God wants to change my heart and make me into a tool that He can use. I'm the one who questions whether or not I have the ability to be changed or if the depth of sin has left me too deeply ingrained. But that is a lie. I know it is a lie and when it doesn't feel that it is a lie I have a responsibility to myself, my family, and my God to remind myself of the truth - which is truth no matter what I feel!


To God be the glory.