Comparisons Vs. being understanding and empathizing

It is 11:40 PM. I have been busy today and I'm tired. But the following post is in my head tonight and I can't help but write it and share it tonight. So, please be forgiving of any grammatical errors as I will have less proofing done this time than normal!

My last post was this post and I talked about our tendency to compare our hardships and pain to others and either feel like they haven't been through as much as us or, worse (in my opinion) that they have been through more and we don't have the right to talk about our pain.

So, we don't want to compare. We don't want others to feel like they are less than they are because we say the wrong things. So, how do we help people know that we are understanding and that we empathize with their pain, but without comparing our struggles??

First of all. Let's talk about a biblical example of one way to handle this. I have to be honest that the book of Job isn't one that I jump to when I want to do a little light reading. However, there is something here that was brought to my attention recently and it is beautiful. Then I went and read the verses just now and it is even better than I thought. :o)

Job 2:11-13 is talking about Job's friends and their coming. But I want to highlight two things. First, "They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort." Look at that. They were intentional. They didn't wait for Job to ask them to come help him out. They didn't come haphazardly either. They made a plan and came to together with Job's best interest at heart. Second, "And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him (because he was that messed up). And they raised their voices and wept...and they sat with him on the ground seven day and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great." Look at that. They wept for his pain, but as they saw that his suffering was great...they got silent and just sat with him for a WEEK!!!! Not 5 minutes. Not an hour. A full week, 24 hours a day, they just sat with him to be a comfort.

Now, a non-biblical visualization of this principle. I believe this video is one of the most powerful I've seen and I want you to take the time to go watch it right now. It is right here and it is only 5 minutes long. ....go ahead, go watch it. I'll wait.


Next. If we have already offered our silence and it becomes time for words, then what do we do (in light of the goal of not turning our words into another comparison)? Well, this whole post was inspired by a DJ on our local Christian radio station. I was driving today and he was talking about this being the first school day for many kids in our area. He said that this could be hard for many parents and then he did something brilliant. He said something along the lines of "I have five kids. I know what you are going through." Listen to that. He gave some details (I have 5 kids) but not too many. Are his kids under 7 years old? Does he have some on high school? We don't know and we shouldn't know. Because if we knew we'd start the comparisons again. Instead, we know he has kids and he understands our anxiety and that's it. :o) It's beautiful.

So, the thought I had is this, comparisons require most or all of the details available. It is focused on seeing who has the worst (or best) situation. But when we are trying to just be understanding and to empathize with someone we don't give the details. (This partly comes from being focused on the one in pain and not ourselves...) Because the details aren't what matters. What matters? Well, that's the last part.

There is a time when details play an important role in our loving on people and weeping with those who weep (Rom 12:15 from the last post). First let's look at the verse and then we'll talk about it.

James 1:2-5 is a passage that talking about considering trials a joy knowing that they create patience. Then, verse 4 says, "and let patience have its..." Think about this for a second. We can go through difficulties and trauma and we can become bitter. Angry. Resentful. And then those are the only things we can pass on to others. Or, we can allow God to bring us healing, which is NOT a denying the pain but rather a peace with the pain, and then we can become tools in the hands of the Almighty.

So, when does this matter? It matters when we have been thinking about other people first (not comparing, but empathizing and being understanding) and then they can ask us for more information. "Thank you for being understanding. Have you dealt with anything like this? I could use some encouragement and hope right now."

My last thoughts tonight (at 12:15 AM) is that I want you to consider how you went through your pain. Did you do it alone? Or did someone come along side and encourage you? In both cases we have something to look toward. First, if someone came along side you and helped you through a really hard time...have you thanked them (again) recently? Also, pay that forward. By allowing God to use you, you can be that same comfort to someone else in their pain.

However, many have gone through hurts and trials alone. Either alone because no one knew, because we isolated ourselves, because others rejected us, etc. There are many reasons why we deal with pain alone. But think about this. All of that pain that you felt. Not the pain of the trial, but the added pain of the loneliness and the rejection. God can use you to help make sure someone else doesn't have to feel that pain in the midst of their other pains. Praise God!! Just remember. You may not need to speak at all. If you do speak, you don't need to give your own details. But, if they ask for comfort to avoid loneliness, then by God's grace, may He use you to give them comfort and bring them some measure of hope and community in the midst of their pain.


To God alone be the glory.

So Busy Comparing Ourselves

Have you ever done this? When someone comes up and talks about their day and mentions some of the things that went wrong; have you ever listened only long enough for them to be done and then went into a what YOU were dealing with that was even "harder" than what they mentioned? Life, if I say I've had to work 45 hours this week and the response is "just wait until you've worked 55 hours like I did." Or the person who talks about how hard it is to be without their sweetheart for a week and the response is, "well, we had to go 3 months once so, count your blessings because it could be worse."

In the second example, I think the one responding truly means well, but what are they doing? Look again and re-read the statement and the response. What is actually being done is that the 2nd person is invalidating the difficulties of the first person. They might mean, "take heart, it could be worse" but they are instead saying, "why are you complaining? This difficulty for you is insignificant and you should be fine!

Clarification: obviously we aren't intending to come across this way, but the point is that comparison can be a disaster.

Clarification: I know that not all comparing has to be negative. Competition (sports, work, etc.) can be good/productive...but can also be taken too far. So, our understanding should be that I am specifically talking about comparison in the areas of hardship, trials, pain (physical or emotional), sin, and trauma.

How many times have you heard of someone losing a loved one and you hear that it was a prolonged event or that it was quick and unexpected. How often do we immediately wonder if it would have been better if it had been faster or if the family had more time together. We usually aren't insensitive with this comparison, but it is the same idea. Jumping to the "what if" and "which is worse or which is better" thoughts. (And to answer your question, no. Losing a loved one is hard no matter how you lose them. THAT is what we should be focusing on.

There is an even greater consequence to this though. When a person NEVER SPEAKS UP about there hardships because they tell themselves they don't have the right to. This isn't someone assuming that what they have gone through is worse than what windowless went through, it is the opposite. "Oh, you lost your 5 year old in an accident? Then I can't really talk about my miscarriage," or "you had cancer? Well then my torn ACL is a silly thing to talk about isn't it," or "you were addicted to cocaine? You were an alcoholic? Now my behavioral addiction seems ridiculous to bring up." And then we don't talk about our problems. We stuff our pain and our hardships because we don't want to be a burden. We don't want to feel weak because our problems would seem trivial to someone else who seems much stronger than us.

Let's be honest about all of this. If we get stuck on comparisons, we will never win and everyone around us will always lose. Why? There are too many variables. I mean, my wife and I have adopted. Twice. Once internationally and once domestically. We don't have any biological children. Once child was 5 and the other was 3 days old. 6 years into parenting and we have an 11 year old and we have only parented a 4 year old for the last month. No one is going to fit that situation perfectly to compare to. Either it will be more than what we've done or less, never the same. Also, even if someone could match it 100%, they wouldn't have the upbringing my wife and I have had that has led to our emotional strengths and weaknesses.

But let's push that exercise out even further. Let's look beyond the one example of adoption. Have you lost a child? before or after they had been born? If after, how long after? Has your marriage fallen apart or stayed strong? Did your parents divorce? If so, were you a child or an adult? Have you lost a sibling? As a child or as an adult? Older or younger than you?  Have you lost a parent? Both parents? As a child or as an adult? (Not to mention that for some people this is devastating and for others, due to broken relationships, it can feel like a relief.) Have you been bullied? Where? How old were you? Do you feel stress at work? is it from a specific number of hours? How many? Are you salary or hourly waged? Loans? Other debt? A house or an apartment? Is your physical pain due to you doing something stupid? Or is it genetic? Or due to someone else's carelessness? Do any of those answers invalidate the physical pain?

When things fall apart, pain should be a universal equalizer. Pain is pain. Trauma is trauma. But instead of following the biblical principles (below) we should be following, we start comparing and matching pain for pain to see who has the most right to speak and receive sympathy. And love. And empathy. And support. And a shoulder to cry on...

Romans 12:15: We cripple our ability to both rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep because we will not be able to connect at the same level when we either feel inadequate or superior - neither position is what is need to rejoice and weep with those who are rejoicing and weeping. Think about it. How can we be happy for others if we are comparing ourselves and our pain to theirs? How can we empathize with others when our first reaction is to compare first and empathize later.

Ephesians 5:1 tells us to be imitators of God. Imitators of God? Does God encourage us to compare ourselves to each other? Or to love? To be gracious and merciful?

So, the next time someone talks to you about their week, their hardship or sufferings, or just something going on in their lives; do me a favor. Just listen. Then rejoice with them if they are rejoicing and weep with them if they are weeping. But for heaven's sake (literally) don't make it about you and where you stand in relation to their hurts. (#preachingtomyself) Let us imitate God and show some compassion towards the people we love!!


To God be the glory!

Will it ever be enough?

Let me start with a disclaimer: I am struggling with some depression today so I know that many of these thoughts are driven my emotions. The goal is going to be to get to truth, but let's make a journey of it - shall we?

I am not a perfect person. I am not a perfect husband, or a perfect father. I know that I'm not perfect and yet I can't help but hold myself to this standard of perfection. (Yes, this is ironic since even God remembers what we are made of [Ps 103:14] and I think He has more grace for me than I do often.)

So, I have struggled to not use past experiences to drive my behavior. That is, I say, "I want to be present and engaged with my kids and more than I felt like my own father was growing up" and I end up less engaged. It's the idea that focusing on not doing something negative can actually drive you to do the very thing you don't want to do because you spend so much energy thinking about it even though you think it should help you NOT do it. #BrokenMinds

My first broken thought today was, Will it ever be enough to them? I was NOT having a good morning with my family. I was frustrated, irritable, and struggling to hold on to my sanity. Through the process of some mistakes and some responses, I felt like no one could see the progress being made. I believe what I said was, "I feel like I am being held to perfection and until I reach the perfect state as a father or husband, I'm going to be treated as though nothing has changed at all."

If any of you just shook your heads at me, it's OK. I feel judged, but you judged rightly.

So, then as I processed and realized that since I was falling back on old behaviors and responses, they have no other choice but to respond to me how they have. Any progress I've made over recent weeks and months doesn't change their reactions when I fall back into previous behaviors and responses myself. So as I work to be calm and I ask God to change my heart, but I fall back into raising my voice and responding emotionally, why would they respond differently. That's when it hit me!

No, not a wall. Although I was sorely tempted today. No, what hit me was that it wasn't them, it was me. When I asked myself, "Will it ever be enough?" it was me who was judging me. Not my family. Will I ever feel like I've changed enough to not fall back on old habits and responses in stressful times? Will I ever accept that I have and can change or will I always treat myself as the same failure that I've always thought of myself as?

Then it double hit me. That wasn't right either. No, I'm questioning God. Will I ever be enough? Will God have the capacity to change me or are my habits, my hurts, and the things I get hung up on so deep and long-term that even He can't change me?

So, if that question is the lie that I ask myself when depression is knocking on my door, then what is my response?

Gal 2:20 - "...and the life that I now live, in the flesh, I live by faith in the Son of God who loved me and gave himself up for me."

Romans 12:1 - "...but be transformed (metamorphosed) by the renewing of your mind (something God does)..."

Romans 5:8 - "But God demonstrates His own love toward Nate, in that while Nate was still a sinning, depressed, and messed up person, Christ died for him." (Nate's American Standard Version)

Lastly, Eph 4:20-24 - which tells us to put off our old selves and to be renewed in our minds and put on the new self which is created after the likeness of God.

Scripture is clear that I am loved, that I can be changed, and that while I have a job to do; God is the one who ultimately changes me.

So, the daily grind continues. The prayer for God to change my heart doesn't stop when I fall into old patterns. When I regret many of my actions and words on the day. Because Christ died for the sins of this day just like He died for every other sin I have ever and will ever commit against Him.

So, it really isn't God I'm questioning, is it? I mean, I know the truth about God and His Word tells me the truth about my standing in Him. So, what gives. Well, I think I was right the 2nd time. It isn't my family and it isn't God. My family wants to see me changed and see me be better and they will encourage me and see me through it as best as they know how. God wants to change my heart and make me into a tool that He can use. I'm the one who questions whether or not I have the ability to be changed or if the depth of sin has left me too deeply ingrained. But that is a lie. I know it is a lie and when it doesn't feel that it is a lie I have a responsibility to myself, my family, and my God to remind myself of the truth - which is truth no matter what I feel!


To God be the glory.