Have you ever done this? When someone comes up and talks about their day and mentions some of the things that went wrong; have you ever listened only long enough for them to be done and then went into a what YOU were dealing with that was even "harder" than what they mentioned? Life, if I say I've had to work 45 hours this week and the response is "just wait until you've worked 55 hours like I did." Or the person who talks about how hard it is to be without their sweetheart for a week and the response is, "well, we had to go 3 months once so, count your blessings because it could be worse."
In the second example, I think the one responding truly means well, but what are they doing? Look again and re-read the statement and the response. What is actually being done is that the 2nd person is invalidating the difficulties of the first person. They might mean, "take heart, it could be worse" but they are instead saying, "why are you complaining? This difficulty for you is insignificant and you should be fine!
Clarification: obviously we aren't intending to come across this way, but the point is that comparison can be a disaster.
Clarification: I know that not all comparing has to be negative. Competition (sports, work, etc.) can be good/productive...but can also be taken too far. So, our understanding should be that I am specifically talking about comparison in the areas of hardship, trials, pain (physical or emotional), sin, and trauma.
How many times have you heard of someone losing a loved one and you hear that it was a prolonged event or that it was quick and unexpected. How often do we immediately wonder if it would have been better if it had been faster or if the family had more time together. We usually aren't insensitive with this comparison, but it is the same idea. Jumping to the "what if" and "which is worse or which is better" thoughts. (And to answer your question, no. Losing a loved one is hard no matter how you lose them. THAT is what we should be focusing on.
There is an even greater consequence to this though. When a person NEVER SPEAKS UP about there hardships because they tell themselves they don't have the right to. This isn't someone assuming that what they have gone through is worse than what windowless went through, it is the opposite. "Oh, you lost your 5 year old in an accident? Then I can't really talk about my miscarriage," or "you had cancer? Well then my torn ACL is a silly thing to talk about isn't it," or "you were addicted to cocaine? You were an alcoholic? Now my behavioral addiction seems ridiculous to bring up." And then we don't talk about our problems. We stuff our pain and our hardships because we don't want to be a burden. We don't want to feel weak because our problems would seem trivial to someone else who seems much stronger than us.
Let's be honest about all of this. If we get stuck on comparisons, we will never win and everyone around us will always lose. Why? There are too many variables. I mean, my wife and I have adopted. Twice. Once internationally and once domestically. We don't have any biological children. Once child was 5 and the other was 3 days old. 6 years into parenting and we have an 11 year old and we have only parented a 4 year old for the last month. No one is going to fit that situation perfectly to compare to. Either it will be more than what we've done or less, never the same. Also, even if someone could match it 100%, they wouldn't have the upbringing my wife and I have had that has led to our emotional strengths and weaknesses.
But let's push that exercise out even further. Let's look beyond the one example of adoption. Have you lost a child? before or after they had been born? If after, how long after? Has your marriage fallen apart or stayed strong? Did your parents divorce? If so, were you a child or an adult? Have you lost a sibling? As a child or as an adult? Older or younger than you? Have you lost a parent? Both parents? As a child or as an adult? (Not to mention that for some people this is devastating and for others, due to broken relationships, it can feel like a relief.) Have you been bullied? Where? How old were you? Do you feel stress at work? is it from a specific number of hours? How many? Are you salary or hourly waged? Loans? Other debt? A house or an apartment? Is your physical pain due to you doing something stupid? Or is it genetic? Or due to someone else's carelessness? Do any of those answers invalidate the physical pain?
When things fall apart, pain should be a universal equalizer. Pain is pain. Trauma is trauma. But instead of following the biblical principles (below) we should be following, we start comparing and matching pain for pain to see who has the most right to speak and receive sympathy. And love. And empathy. And support. And a shoulder to cry on...
Romans 12:15: We cripple our ability to both rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep because we will not be able to connect at the same level when we either feel inadequate or superior - neither position is what is need to rejoice and weep with those who are rejoicing and weeping. Think about it. How can we be happy for others if we are comparing ourselves and our pain to theirs? How can we empathize with others when our first reaction is to compare first and empathize later.
Ephesians 5:1 tells us to be imitators of God. Imitators of God? Does God encourage us to compare ourselves to each other? Or to love? To be gracious and merciful?
So, the next time someone talks to you about their week, their hardship or sufferings, or just something going on in their lives; do me a favor. Just listen. Then rejoice with them if they are rejoicing and weep with them if they are weeping. But for heaven's sake (literally) don't make it about you and where you stand in relation to their hurts. (#preachingtomyself) Let us imitate God and show some compassion towards the people we love!!
To God be the glory!
In the second example, I think the one responding truly means well, but what are they doing? Look again and re-read the statement and the response. What is actually being done is that the 2nd person is invalidating the difficulties of the first person. They might mean, "take heart, it could be worse" but they are instead saying, "why are you complaining? This difficulty for you is insignificant and you should be fine!
Clarification: obviously we aren't intending to come across this way, but the point is that comparison can be a disaster.
Clarification: I know that not all comparing has to be negative. Competition (sports, work, etc.) can be good/productive...but can also be taken too far. So, our understanding should be that I am specifically talking about comparison in the areas of hardship, trials, pain (physical or emotional), sin, and trauma.
How many times have you heard of someone losing a loved one and you hear that it was a prolonged event or that it was quick and unexpected. How often do we immediately wonder if it would have been better if it had been faster or if the family had more time together. We usually aren't insensitive with this comparison, but it is the same idea. Jumping to the "what if" and "which is worse or which is better" thoughts. (And to answer your question, no. Losing a loved one is hard no matter how you lose them. THAT is what we should be focusing on.
There is an even greater consequence to this though. When a person NEVER SPEAKS UP about there hardships because they tell themselves they don't have the right to. This isn't someone assuming that what they have gone through is worse than what windowless went through, it is the opposite. "Oh, you lost your 5 year old in an accident? Then I can't really talk about my miscarriage," or "you had cancer? Well then my torn ACL is a silly thing to talk about isn't it," or "you were addicted to cocaine? You were an alcoholic? Now my behavioral addiction seems ridiculous to bring up." And then we don't talk about our problems. We stuff our pain and our hardships because we don't want to be a burden. We don't want to feel weak because our problems would seem trivial to someone else who seems much stronger than us.
Let's be honest about all of this. If we get stuck on comparisons, we will never win and everyone around us will always lose. Why? There are too many variables. I mean, my wife and I have adopted. Twice. Once internationally and once domestically. We don't have any biological children. Once child was 5 and the other was 3 days old. 6 years into parenting and we have an 11 year old and we have only parented a 4 year old for the last month. No one is going to fit that situation perfectly to compare to. Either it will be more than what we've done or less, never the same. Also, even if someone could match it 100%, they wouldn't have the upbringing my wife and I have had that has led to our emotional strengths and weaknesses.
But let's push that exercise out even further. Let's look beyond the one example of adoption. Have you lost a child? before or after they had been born? If after, how long after? Has your marriage fallen apart or stayed strong? Did your parents divorce? If so, were you a child or an adult? Have you lost a sibling? As a child or as an adult? Older or younger than you? Have you lost a parent? Both parents? As a child or as an adult? (Not to mention that for some people this is devastating and for others, due to broken relationships, it can feel like a relief.) Have you been bullied? Where? How old were you? Do you feel stress at work? is it from a specific number of hours? How many? Are you salary or hourly waged? Loans? Other debt? A house or an apartment? Is your physical pain due to you doing something stupid? Or is it genetic? Or due to someone else's carelessness? Do any of those answers invalidate the physical pain?
When things fall apart, pain should be a universal equalizer. Pain is pain. Trauma is trauma. But instead of following the biblical principles (below) we should be following, we start comparing and matching pain for pain to see who has the most right to speak and receive sympathy. And love. And empathy. And support. And a shoulder to cry on...
Romans 12:15: We cripple our ability to both rejoice with those who rejoice and weep with those who weep because we will not be able to connect at the same level when we either feel inadequate or superior - neither position is what is need to rejoice and weep with those who are rejoicing and weeping. Think about it. How can we be happy for others if we are comparing ourselves and our pain to theirs? How can we empathize with others when our first reaction is to compare first and empathize later.
Ephesians 5:1 tells us to be imitators of God. Imitators of God? Does God encourage us to compare ourselves to each other? Or to love? To be gracious and merciful?
So, the next time someone talks to you about their week, their hardship or sufferings, or just something going on in their lives; do me a favor. Just listen. Then rejoice with them if they are rejoicing and weep with them if they are weeping. But for heaven's sake (literally) don't make it about you and where you stand in relation to their hurts. (#preachingtomyself) Let us imitate God and show some compassion towards the people we love!!
To God be the glory!
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