It is 11:40 PM. I have been busy today and I'm tired. But the following post is in my head tonight and I can't help but write it and share it tonight. So, please be forgiving of any grammatical errors as I will have less proofing done this time than normal!
My last post was this post and I talked about our tendency to compare our hardships and pain to others and either feel like they haven't been through as much as us or, worse (in my opinion) that they have been through more and we don't have the right to talk about our pain.
So, we don't want to compare. We don't want others to feel like they are less than they are because we say the wrong things. So, how do we help people know that we are understanding and that we empathize with their pain, but without comparing our struggles??
First of all. Let's talk about a biblical example of one way to handle this. I have to be honest that the book of Job isn't one that I jump to when I want to do a little light reading. However, there is something here that was brought to my attention recently and it is beautiful. Then I went and read the verses just now and it is even better than I thought. :o)
Job 2:11-13 is talking about Job's friends and their coming. But I want to highlight two things. First, "They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort." Look at that. They were intentional. They didn't wait for Job to ask them to come help him out. They didn't come haphazardly either. They made a plan and came to together with Job's best interest at heart. Second, "And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him (because he was that messed up). And they raised their voices and wept...and they sat with him on the ground seven day and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great." Look at that. They wept for his pain, but as they saw that his suffering was great...they got silent and just sat with him for a WEEK!!!! Not 5 minutes. Not an hour. A full week, 24 hours a day, they just sat with him to be a comfort.
Now, a non-biblical visualization of this principle. I believe this video is one of the most powerful I've seen and I want you to take the time to go watch it right now. It is right here and it is only 5 minutes long. ....go ahead, go watch it. I'll wait.
Next. If we have already offered our silence and it becomes time for words, then what do we do (in light of the goal of not turning our words into another comparison)? Well, this whole post was inspired by a DJ on our local Christian radio station. I was driving today and he was talking about this being the first school day for many kids in our area. He said that this could be hard for many parents and then he did something brilliant. He said something along the lines of "I have five kids. I know what you are going through." Listen to that. He gave some details (I have 5 kids) but not too many. Are his kids under 7 years old? Does he have some on high school? We don't know and we shouldn't know. Because if we knew we'd start the comparisons again. Instead, we know he has kids and he understands our anxiety and that's it. :o) It's beautiful.
So, the thought I had is this, comparisons require most or all of the details available. It is focused on seeing who has the worst (or best) situation. But when we are trying to just be understanding and to empathize with someone we don't give the details. (This partly comes from being focused on the one in pain and not ourselves...) Because the details aren't what matters. What matters? Well, that's the last part.
There is a time when details play an important role in our loving on people and weeping with those who weep (Rom 12:15 from the last post). First let's look at the verse and then we'll talk about it.
James 1:2-5 is a passage that talking about considering trials a joy knowing that they create patience. Then, verse 4 says, "and let patience have its..." Think about this for a second. We can go through difficulties and trauma and we can become bitter. Angry. Resentful. And then those are the only things we can pass on to others. Or, we can allow God to bring us healing, which is NOT a denying the pain but rather a peace with the pain, and then we can become tools in the hands of the Almighty.
So, when does this matter? It matters when we have been thinking about other people first (not comparing, but empathizing and being understanding) and then they can ask us for more information. "Thank you for being understanding. Have you dealt with anything like this? I could use some encouragement and hope right now."
My last thoughts tonight (at 12:15 AM) is that I want you to consider how you went through your pain. Did you do it alone? Or did someone come along side and encourage you? In both cases we have something to look toward. First, if someone came along side you and helped you through a really hard time...have you thanked them (again) recently? Also, pay that forward. By allowing God to use you, you can be that same comfort to someone else in their pain.
However, many have gone through hurts and trials alone. Either alone because no one knew, because we isolated ourselves, because others rejected us, etc. There are many reasons why we deal with pain alone. But think about this. All of that pain that you felt. Not the pain of the trial, but the added pain of the loneliness and the rejection. God can use you to help make sure someone else doesn't have to feel that pain in the midst of their other pains. Praise God!! Just remember. You may not need to speak at all. If you do speak, you don't need to give your own details. But, if they ask for comfort to avoid loneliness, then by God's grace, may He use you to give them comfort and bring them some measure of hope and community in the midst of their pain.
To God alone be the glory.
My last post was this post and I talked about our tendency to compare our hardships and pain to others and either feel like they haven't been through as much as us or, worse (in my opinion) that they have been through more and we don't have the right to talk about our pain.
So, we don't want to compare. We don't want others to feel like they are less than they are because we say the wrong things. So, how do we help people know that we are understanding and that we empathize with their pain, but without comparing our struggles??
First of all. Let's talk about a biblical example of one way to handle this. I have to be honest that the book of Job isn't one that I jump to when I want to do a little light reading. However, there is something here that was brought to my attention recently and it is beautiful. Then I went and read the verses just now and it is even better than I thought. :o)
Job 2:11-13 is talking about Job's friends and their coming. But I want to highlight two things. First, "They made an appointment together to come to show him sympathy and comfort." Look at that. They were intentional. They didn't wait for Job to ask them to come help him out. They didn't come haphazardly either. They made a plan and came to together with Job's best interest at heart. Second, "And when they saw him from a distance, they did not recognize him (because he was that messed up). And they raised their voices and wept...and they sat with him on the ground seven day and seven nights, and no one spoke a word to him, for they saw that his suffering was very great." Look at that. They wept for his pain, but as they saw that his suffering was great...they got silent and just sat with him for a WEEK!!!! Not 5 minutes. Not an hour. A full week, 24 hours a day, they just sat with him to be a comfort.
Now, a non-biblical visualization of this principle. I believe this video is one of the most powerful I've seen and I want you to take the time to go watch it right now. It is right here and it is only 5 minutes long. ....go ahead, go watch it. I'll wait.
Next. If we have already offered our silence and it becomes time for words, then what do we do (in light of the goal of not turning our words into another comparison)? Well, this whole post was inspired by a DJ on our local Christian radio station. I was driving today and he was talking about this being the first school day for many kids in our area. He said that this could be hard for many parents and then he did something brilliant. He said something along the lines of "I have five kids. I know what you are going through." Listen to that. He gave some details (I have 5 kids) but not too many. Are his kids under 7 years old? Does he have some on high school? We don't know and we shouldn't know. Because if we knew we'd start the comparisons again. Instead, we know he has kids and he understands our anxiety and that's it. :o) It's beautiful.
So, the thought I had is this, comparisons require most or all of the details available. It is focused on seeing who has the worst (or best) situation. But when we are trying to just be understanding and to empathize with someone we don't give the details. (This partly comes from being focused on the one in pain and not ourselves...) Because the details aren't what matters. What matters? Well, that's the last part.
There is a time when details play an important role in our loving on people and weeping with those who weep (Rom 12:15 from the last post). First let's look at the verse and then we'll talk about it.
James 1:2-5 is a passage that talking about considering trials a joy knowing that they create patience. Then, verse 4 says, "and let patience have its..." Think about this for a second. We can go through difficulties and trauma and we can become bitter. Angry. Resentful. And then those are the only things we can pass on to others. Or, we can allow God to bring us healing, which is NOT a denying the pain but rather a peace with the pain, and then we can become tools in the hands of the Almighty.
So, when does this matter? It matters when we have been thinking about other people first (not comparing, but empathizing and being understanding) and then they can ask us for more information. "Thank you for being understanding. Have you dealt with anything like this? I could use some encouragement and hope right now."
My last thoughts tonight (at 12:15 AM) is that I want you to consider how you went through your pain. Did you do it alone? Or did someone come along side and encourage you? In both cases we have something to look toward. First, if someone came along side you and helped you through a really hard time...have you thanked them (again) recently? Also, pay that forward. By allowing God to use you, you can be that same comfort to someone else in their pain.
However, many have gone through hurts and trials alone. Either alone because no one knew, because we isolated ourselves, because others rejected us, etc. There are many reasons why we deal with pain alone. But think about this. All of that pain that you felt. Not the pain of the trial, but the added pain of the loneliness and the rejection. God can use you to help make sure someone else doesn't have to feel that pain in the midst of their other pains. Praise God!! Just remember. You may not need to speak at all. If you do speak, you don't need to give your own details. But, if they ask for comfort to avoid loneliness, then by God's grace, may He use you to give them comfort and bring them some measure of hope and community in the midst of their pain.
To God alone be the glory.
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