Ok. Just to put some parameters on this, I'm not going to touch on the differences. Why? Because we can see those...and honestly, I haven't experienced both of these to really be an expert on differences.
Similarities, however, is another conversation...and so is our responsibility as husbands and fathers!
So, a little context. There is a song in the movie "Treasure Planet" (which, by the way, is a good....weird, but good movie) called "I'm Still Here."
Quick context: dad left when the boy was young and he's going through a very rebellious stage. He isn't grounded and doesn't have a male role model to help him figure life out. There's more, obviously, that's the quick version.
There are a couple of lines in the song I'm going to pull out.
"How can you learn what's never shown?"
"...and I want to tell you who I am. Can you help me be a man?"
The chorus gives us another glimpse when it says talks about wanting to feel like I belong.
Alright, I have no experience with a father who walked out on his family. I didn't grow up with one and I have never been one. So I'm very short on that. I have good friends who have dealt with that, but it somehow ends up a taboo conversation and I never talk to them about it. So, I don't have much to say about this. Those of you who do, feel free to comment and tell me if the similarities are the same or not.
What I'm seeing is that a father who is physically present, but not engaging (When I use "engage" going forward, it is assumed that I mean engagement that is meaningful and positive) has similar negative effects on children that a non-present dad would have.
How can you learn what's never shown? Can you help me be a man? Guys!!! Are you raising your kids with life skills? Are you teaching your boys what it means to be a man? Yes, that can and is done by example. I don't have sons myself, but I show my daughters what to expect in a man every day as I interact with their mother. I teach them what is and is not OK behavior as I model it to them. Great. But that isn't everything is it? No.
Where is the time of connection. The time to do daddy-daughter dates? To play sports with my son in the yard? To read to my daughter? To spend time with them so that when life happens I am ready both in time and space and in my relationships to engage with life.
When my daughter asks me about death. When she talks about playing with boys. When my daughter has to learn the hard way that there are bad people in this world. When she finds out that not everyone is a good person with her best interests in mind. When it's time to talk about boys who don't love her, but will say that they do. When a son thinks he "loves" a girl but doesn't actually know what that word means. When a son or daughter is losing respect for his or her mother. The mother who is a single mother and the mother who has a disengaged husband are dealing with similar issues.
Now, knowing about the grass being greener on the other side, I want to be careful here. However, I think that it is easier to underestimate the damage done by a present but disengaged father because we don't as quickly see the problem. I mean, these dads can be pastors and deacons. They can be on the school board. They can be the sole provider (monetarily) for their family which clearly means they are engaged at home, right? (WRONG!)
So, dads, you do your family a grave injustice when you are present but you don't engage with them. When you don't sit on the floor and let your 1 year old play around you and smile with you. To know that you are there whether you are needed in that moment or not. When you don't play with your children and show them that you love them. When you don't build the relationships that they are going to need to help them through the hard, confusing years of adolescence. Your family, our families, deserve more than your physical presence.
The movie has a happy ending. The boy ends up mentored to someone who, not meaning to, ends up having the boy's best interests at heart. But our kids may not be that lucky. However, here is the real point. THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE!! Let's be the men, fathers, and husbands that God has called us to be and there for our children in all the moments of life. Be there when we don't feel like it and when we don't feel needed or wanted because then when we DO feel like it and we ARE needed and wanted, the groundwork is already laid for that to happen.
To God be the glory.
Similarities, however, is another conversation...and so is our responsibility as husbands and fathers!
So, a little context. There is a song in the movie "Treasure Planet" (which, by the way, is a good....weird, but good movie) called "I'm Still Here."
Quick context: dad left when the boy was young and he's going through a very rebellious stage. He isn't grounded and doesn't have a male role model to help him figure life out. There's more, obviously, that's the quick version.
There are a couple of lines in the song I'm going to pull out.
"How can you learn what's never shown?"
"...and I want to tell you who I am. Can you help me be a man?"
The chorus gives us another glimpse when it says talks about wanting to feel like I belong.
Alright, I have no experience with a father who walked out on his family. I didn't grow up with one and I have never been one. So I'm very short on that. I have good friends who have dealt with that, but it somehow ends up a taboo conversation and I never talk to them about it. So, I don't have much to say about this. Those of you who do, feel free to comment and tell me if the similarities are the same or not.
What I'm seeing is that a father who is physically present, but not engaging (When I use "engage" going forward, it is assumed that I mean engagement that is meaningful and positive) has similar negative effects on children that a non-present dad would have.
How can you learn what's never shown? Can you help me be a man? Guys!!! Are you raising your kids with life skills? Are you teaching your boys what it means to be a man? Yes, that can and is done by example. I don't have sons myself, but I show my daughters what to expect in a man every day as I interact with their mother. I teach them what is and is not OK behavior as I model it to them. Great. But that isn't everything is it? No.
Where is the time of connection. The time to do daddy-daughter dates? To play sports with my son in the yard? To read to my daughter? To spend time with them so that when life happens I am ready both in time and space and in my relationships to engage with life.
When my daughter asks me about death. When she talks about playing with boys. When my daughter has to learn the hard way that there are bad people in this world. When she finds out that not everyone is a good person with her best interests in mind. When it's time to talk about boys who don't love her, but will say that they do. When a son thinks he "loves" a girl but doesn't actually know what that word means. When a son or daughter is losing respect for his or her mother. The mother who is a single mother and the mother who has a disengaged husband are dealing with similar issues.
Now, knowing about the grass being greener on the other side, I want to be careful here. However, I think that it is easier to underestimate the damage done by a present but disengaged father because we don't as quickly see the problem. I mean, these dads can be pastors and deacons. They can be on the school board. They can be the sole provider (monetarily) for their family which clearly means they are engaged at home, right? (WRONG!)
So, dads, you do your family a grave injustice when you are present but you don't engage with them. When you don't sit on the floor and let your 1 year old play around you and smile with you. To know that you are there whether you are needed in that moment or not. When you don't play with your children and show them that you love them. When you don't build the relationships that they are going to need to help them through the hard, confusing years of adolescence. Your family, our families, deserve more than your physical presence.
The movie has a happy ending. The boy ends up mentored to someone who, not meaning to, ends up having the boy's best interests at heart. But our kids may not be that lucky. However, here is the real point. THEY SHOULDN'T HAVE TO BE!! Let's be the men, fathers, and husbands that God has called us to be and there for our children in all the moments of life. Be there when we don't feel like it and when we don't feel needed or wanted because then when we DO feel like it and we ARE needed and wanted, the groundwork is already laid for that to happen.
To God be the glory.
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