OK. I know that my blog is called "Nate's God thoughts." This post might feel more like a "Nate's defense of his family and adoption" blog post. Trust me and bear with me to the end and you'll find God in my thoughts! I promise!
My family received a message today. Below are its contents in full (only the names have been changed to protect the innocent). Then I'll share some response and thoughts.
"So...just out of curiosity...how much money have you donated to FRED and WILMA? They have PEBBLES and BAM-BAM and one on the way. Have you matched their funds? Given them pop cans? Bought their coffee... etc??? I know that adoption is expensive, but so is having your own baby when you figure in all expenses, doctor appointments, etc. etc. etc. etc. I know that there are people willing to help you with your adoption expenses, I just wanted you to see my take on it. Yes you have 2 babies. So do I. And I had $0 financial help. If you want to adopt, that's great/superb/so exciting? I'm really hoping we can adopt in the future. But if you're not financially able to, then maybe you should reconsider. Just my point of view. Not trying to be mean, just stating my take on it."
First, my goal is not to rant. I don't know that the author of that message will ever read this. So, my audience is everyone who will. I'm not out to get sympathy either. What I desire is a good conversation about adoption. This will focus on expenses plenty, but other things as well. So, when you are done, feel free to add a comment and ask a question or add a comment. Just keep it focused and on point.
Now, while I'm certain that most of you would never have sent that message, I'm just as certain that many of you have thought some or all of this at some point and simply not known how to talk about it. Well, praise God for people like me so that we can have this conversation today!!! So, this post is for all of you who have ever thought any part of that message and wished you could have dialogued about it. (...monologue....you can comment and then it'll be a dialogue!)
My first response kind of mimics the original message: I know that having your own bio children is expensive, but so is adopting when you figure in all the expenses. Agency fees (example, so our agency works with birth mom to ensure that doctor's visits and hospital bills are paid for or getting a birth mom counseling if she is considering changing her mind about adoption and wants to pursue keeping the child or abortion), attorneys fees (finalizing the adoption, re-adoption in the case of international adoption), fees to our government, background checks, and then all those pesky fees that come extra for international adoptions specifically (international plane tickets at the last minute....twice sometimes, foreign government fees, etc.) You get the point. There is plenty there.
Now I also recognize that having your own bio children is also expensive. Now, most people either have insurance through work or medicaid to help assist with some of the doctor's visits and the hospital bills. Let's face it, kids aren't cheap for any of us. So, why should adoptive families get to ask for handouts and people having their own biological children don't get to? Maybe it's pity. I mean, clearly these people can't have their own children (very untrue stereotype by the way. True for many, but plenty others make the choice and it has nothing to do with infertility) but I don't think that's it. It was mentioned to me today that many people financially help families that are adopting because they themselves have a heart for adoption but don't have the means (or circumstance) to adopt themselves. I also want to mention total out of pocket cost once and then move on. I don't want it to be the focus. However, depending on your insurance I have gotten an idea of around $6k for costs to have a bio-child. While international and domestic are different, the thought of only paying $6k (or even $8k or $10k) out of pocket for our adoptions is amazing!
In response to waiting to adopt until you are ready....well, you probably know where I'm going with this. There ARE people who wait to have biological children until they can afford it. There are also people who wait to adopt until they can afford it. I don't personally know very many of them, but I do know they exist and I praise God for them and their financial situations. However, many people will tell you that if you wait to have children until you are ready or until you can afford them, chances are that you won't have any children at all.
Two more quick thoughts on adoption costs. These are more contextual and don't always apply, but this is just to give perspective to those wondering!
Timing: most people who have their own bio-children have a good 6-9 months to prep and plan. Sometimes longer and sometimes shorter, but you get the idea. Well, our first adoption we had more than two years and our second we had 8 days. Now, we had been doing paperwork so we knew it was coming, but we still expected 3-5 months warning, not 8 days.
Next: I have never met more generous people that families who have or are adopting. We have many, many times been financially supported by families who have adopted and by families who are in the middle of their own adoption. We have ourselves done the same thing. So, don't picture adoptive families as beggars and cheap-skates who just want your money because they can't do it themselves. We are a God-fearing, loving lot who want to love our children and many others besides! :0)
So, where is God in this conversation? He is where he has always been: in the center. Pam's blog is "Our Story of Faith and Grace." We didn't choose that because if we adopted girls we had names already picked out. No, we picked that because we knew our adoption journey would require a lot of faith and a lot of God's grace on our family. That was financial, emotional (ours and our children) and the strength to deal with different challenges than bio-parents have to deal with. Listen to me: DIFFERENT. Not harder (though at times it is) and not easier (those some things are): just different. We have never assumed we have a harder job to do we have just assumed it was different.
Last thought: God has been so good to our family. He has blessed us in more ways that we can even count anymore. So, with all of this rant, I want to give God the glory and the praise for his blessings. We are fully aware that God provides for our adoption in every way, and specifically financially. In fact, when we try to it ourselves, it usually doesn't work out very well. So, we trust God to provide for our needs. Sometimes that is extra Over Time at work for me, or a side job for Pam that we don't expect, or it is us tightening our belts more, or it is those who desire to help us out financially. All of those things are just wrapping on the present of God's grace to us. We don't praise the wrapping, we praise the one who gave the gift and his particular use of wrapping paper! So, the glory does not go to the different means by which god provided for us; we give the glory to the God who has (and continues to) provide for us!
Amen. Let it be so!
My family received a message today. Below are its contents in full (only the names have been changed to protect the innocent). Then I'll share some response and thoughts.
"So...just out of curiosity...how much money have you donated to FRED and WILMA? They have PEBBLES and BAM-BAM and one on the way. Have you matched their funds? Given them pop cans? Bought their coffee... etc??? I know that adoption is expensive, but so is having your own baby when you figure in all expenses, doctor appointments, etc. etc. etc. etc. I know that there are people willing to help you with your adoption expenses, I just wanted you to see my take on it. Yes you have 2 babies. So do I. And I had $0 financial help. If you want to adopt, that's great/superb/so exciting? I'm really hoping we can adopt in the future. But if you're not financially able to, then maybe you should reconsider. Just my point of view. Not trying to be mean, just stating my take on it."
First, my goal is not to rant. I don't know that the author of that message will ever read this. So, my audience is everyone who will. I'm not out to get sympathy either. What I desire is a good conversation about adoption. This will focus on expenses plenty, but other things as well. So, when you are done, feel free to add a comment and ask a question or add a comment. Just keep it focused and on point.
Now, while I'm certain that most of you would never have sent that message, I'm just as certain that many of you have thought some or all of this at some point and simply not known how to talk about it. Well, praise God for people like me so that we can have this conversation today!!! So, this post is for all of you who have ever thought any part of that message and wished you could have dialogued about it. (...monologue....you can comment and then it'll be a dialogue!)
My first response kind of mimics the original message: I know that having your own bio children is expensive, but so is adopting when you figure in all the expenses. Agency fees (example, so our agency works with birth mom to ensure that doctor's visits and hospital bills are paid for or getting a birth mom counseling if she is considering changing her mind about adoption and wants to pursue keeping the child or abortion), attorneys fees (finalizing the adoption, re-adoption in the case of international adoption), fees to our government, background checks, and then all those pesky fees that come extra for international adoptions specifically (international plane tickets at the last minute....twice sometimes, foreign government fees, etc.) You get the point. There is plenty there.
Now I also recognize that having your own bio children is also expensive. Now, most people either have insurance through work or medicaid to help assist with some of the doctor's visits and the hospital bills. Let's face it, kids aren't cheap for any of us. So, why should adoptive families get to ask for handouts and people having their own biological children don't get to? Maybe it's pity. I mean, clearly these people can't have their own children (very untrue stereotype by the way. True for many, but plenty others make the choice and it has nothing to do with infertility) but I don't think that's it. It was mentioned to me today that many people financially help families that are adopting because they themselves have a heart for adoption but don't have the means (or circumstance) to adopt themselves. I also want to mention total out of pocket cost once and then move on. I don't want it to be the focus. However, depending on your insurance I have gotten an idea of around $6k for costs to have a bio-child. While international and domestic are different, the thought of only paying $6k (or even $8k or $10k) out of pocket for our adoptions is amazing!
In response to waiting to adopt until you are ready....well, you probably know where I'm going with this. There ARE people who wait to have biological children until they can afford it. There are also people who wait to adopt until they can afford it. I don't personally know very many of them, but I do know they exist and I praise God for them and their financial situations. However, many people will tell you that if you wait to have children until you are ready or until you can afford them, chances are that you won't have any children at all.
Two more quick thoughts on adoption costs. These are more contextual and don't always apply, but this is just to give perspective to those wondering!
Timing: most people who have their own bio-children have a good 6-9 months to prep and plan. Sometimes longer and sometimes shorter, but you get the idea. Well, our first adoption we had more than two years and our second we had 8 days. Now, we had been doing paperwork so we knew it was coming, but we still expected 3-5 months warning, not 8 days.
Next: I have never met more generous people that families who have or are adopting. We have many, many times been financially supported by families who have adopted and by families who are in the middle of their own adoption. We have ourselves done the same thing. So, don't picture adoptive families as beggars and cheap-skates who just want your money because they can't do it themselves. We are a God-fearing, loving lot who want to love our children and many others besides! :0)
So, where is God in this conversation? He is where he has always been: in the center. Pam's blog is "Our Story of Faith and Grace." We didn't choose that because if we adopted girls we had names already picked out. No, we picked that because we knew our adoption journey would require a lot of faith and a lot of God's grace on our family. That was financial, emotional (ours and our children) and the strength to deal with different challenges than bio-parents have to deal with. Listen to me: DIFFERENT. Not harder (though at times it is) and not easier (those some things are): just different. We have never assumed we have a harder job to do we have just assumed it was different.
Last thought: God has been so good to our family. He has blessed us in more ways that we can even count anymore. So, with all of this rant, I want to give God the glory and the praise for his blessings. We are fully aware that God provides for our adoption in every way, and specifically financially. In fact, when we try to it ourselves, it usually doesn't work out very well. So, we trust God to provide for our needs. Sometimes that is extra Over Time at work for me, or a side job for Pam that we don't expect, or it is us tightening our belts more, or it is those who desire to help us out financially. All of those things are just wrapping on the present of God's grace to us. We don't praise the wrapping, we praise the one who gave the gift and his particular use of wrapping paper! So, the glory does not go to the different means by which god provided for us; we give the glory to the God who has (and continues to) provide for us!
Amen. Let it be so!
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